Twas the Nights Before Christmas
It has been awhile since I’ve posted. I fell in a rut creatively and let myself get bogged down by over-analysis paralysis. Days went by and eventually four months. I was lazy and found plenty of excuses not to write or post. During this time, I questioned my abilities as a writer and creative thinker. The longer I went without writing, the more my confidence and will diminished. I accepted defeat and was prepared to abandon my blog site altogether. That was of course until Monday night, December 20th.
We had just concluded his birthday (pajama) party. He turns one in a few days, but we celebrated early since I am working nights on his big day (and Christmas). You couldn’t ask for a better day. In addition to having a blast with my wonderful son, we had my favorite meal of all time... brinner (breakfast for dinner)!!!
My wife did amazing job decorating with balloons and family photos all over the living room and kitchen. She even rearranged the living room, turning it into a huge play area.
My cousin came over with her son of similar age. I absolutely loved watching the boys roam the house together. I tried to tag along, but they had way more energy than I could ever imagine. They ran me RAGGED! By the end of the party, I was mentally and physically drained, more than what you would expect from a typical long day...
After we said our goodbyes, we took Luka to his room to put him to bed. His routine consists of giving him some time to explore the room with intermittent feeding. We then go to the bookshelf for him to select his reading for the night. Ever since he has learned how to point, he uses that gesture to the fullest extent.
During his his quiet exploration, I laid on the futon with my eyes closed. My mind was initially racing with thoughts of the events of the party, my upcoming first shift back, my to-do list and many others. In spite of having such a beautiful time with family, I began to well up with tears. It was relatively dark with the exception of his night light, so I don't think my wife was aware of the source of my sniffling. Trying to keep quiet, I kissed my wife and son and retreated to my office to ponder what I was feeling.
Deep in thought, I recognized the source of my feelings. I was unhappy with how stagnant I had become and this was the first time I came to grips with it. There were many times where I’d approach my seven-day-off stretch with excitement and happiness, only to reach the conclusion of my week off achieving none of the things I set out to do. Opportunities to be productive were plenty. However, I would freeze at the chance to put out a body of work. I was good at ignoring the powerlessness I felt in those occurrences until that night. The truth was evident, but I did my best to conceal it. I fear failure, so I figured no one could say I failed if I never tried.
Whenever I dream big, or set a goat for myself, intrusive thoughts of self sabotage overcome me. This injects not only doubt, but apathy as well into my decision making. Discrediting myself and discounting my abilities became a norm I was accustomed to but could no longer stomach. I can’t say that I won’t fall back into old habits, but I will try to remind myself that the outcome is out of my hands. I can however, focus on my input.
This is my last night off before I start my stretch of nights. I hope Santa doesn’t have too many presents to drop off to the ER. If I don’t post again before Saturday, Merry Christmas
The Bearded Doctor 🧔🏽♂️